My Life as a Band Wife

On Tuesday, Jay and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. It was well timed, with him coming home from tour the day before. We spent the evening sipping champagne, exchanging gifts, walking the dog, eating at our favorite restaurant and reminiscing over the last year. For those who have read the blog from the start, you know it wasn’t the easiest year. I hope that what you did get from reading My Life as a Band Wife, though, is that when you’re with the person you truly love, the hard times and the distance only make you a stronger team. I couldn’t imagine sharing my life with anyone else.

Here are a few of the photos from our wedding, courtesy of Zac Wolf.

I’m proud of the life that Jay and I have started building together. I’m proud of all of the things we have accomplished individually and the way we support eachother’s dreams and goals. Not everyone has the opportunity to marry the person that is really right for them and I consider myself lucky every single day - even when his time on the road makes time seem slow and unbearable.

This life isn’t for everyone and I’ve watched several relationships grow tense or crumble under this particular brand of pressure. What brought Jay and I together was something unquantifiable, and it is the same thing that keeps us together. For us, marriage wasn’t a fix, a thing to keep us sane through the trials and tribulations of the months apart. It was the promise to one another that we would continue to love and be dedicated, faithful, to one another throughout the rest of our days on this earth. A promise to maintain the loving, respectful relationship we had when we were dating.

It’s the best promise I have ever made, to the best man I have ever met. I wish this kind of love for each and every one of you.

For more photos from our wedding, with little insights from the day, I invite you to check out my board on Pinterest. I also welcome you to follow me on Twitter and subscribe to me on Facebook.

[Apparently, humans are just a bunch of prairie voles| Source]

Think back to a time when you have been separated from your partner, be it a short period of time or an extended one. I know the majority of MLBW readers are in a similar boat, but what about the ones who aren’t?

Well meaning friends, family and colleagues say to us, “Oh, X amount if time isn’t too bad!” With a look of condolence on their sympathetic faces.

Those in the boat really appreciate their efforts. It means a lot that they want to make us feel better, and the time we spend with them helps more than they realize.

Of course, there is a but.

The truth is that sometimes it really does feel that bad. Because it’s the precursor of many years to come. And no matter how many times you do it, it doesn’t get easier. Somehow, it gets harder.

My fellow band “wife,” Megan, wrote about this phenomenon for the blog back in December. You start to get into these routines, doing things by yourself and then there is this disconnect. Even if you text all the time and talk on the phone once a day, there is something lacking. And you can’t quite put your finger on it. It just goes to show that no matter how advanced technology gets, there isn’t a substitute for actually being in the company of the people you love the most.

Of course, there is a scientific reason for it getting harder.

This piece in Scientific American, regardless of the fact that it is three years old and compares human relationships to the relationship between prairie voles, details scientific evidence that “long-term separation from a romantic partner can lead to increased anxiety and depression, as well as such problems as sleep disturbances.”

“Social psychologist Lisa Diamond of the University of Utah observed minor withdrawal-like symptoms, such as irritability and sleep disturbances, along with an increase in cortisol in subjects after they were separated four to seven days. Participants who repor­ted high anxiety about their relation­ships had the biggest spikes in cortisol levels, but even those who reported low levels of stress and anxiety during the separation exhibited some degree of increased cortisol and physical discomfort. These results, like those from Young’s study, indicate a specific link between separation and increased cortisol, implying cortisol-blocking drugs may benefit people struggling to cope with partner separation, too.”

It is believed that the romantic bond evolved from the parent-child bond and could be why we feel romantic attachments so strongly. According to the article, the same neurochemicals—oxy­tocin, vasopressin and dopamine—have been implicated in both relationships, and the be­havioral patterns associated with parental and romantic bond formation and sepa­ration are also similar. Of course Diamond does say that the two relationships are fundamentally different (we would hope so) but it’s the same functional purpose:

“Creating a psycho­logical drive to be near the other person, to want to take care of them, and being resistant to being separated from them.”

So, band wives, rest assured that when in a committed relationship with a man on the road (which, by the way, humans are wired for commitment), it really isn’t that unusual to, well, be taken by the blues.

Just make sure you’re not hitting your lower limit switch and misdirecting your emotions.