I haven’t felt like writing, and I am sure you’ve been able to tell.
I try to keep this blog really positive. I felt that women in my situation really need someone who is going to say that tour life isn’t that bad – and in a lot of ways it isn’t. A lot of people need someone who can take bad situations and see a silver lining. I try to do that, even when I’m writing about my health troubles. Over the last month I had a really difficult time seeing the silver lining and I didn’t want to bring the rest of you down.
I realized yesterday that being authentic is more important than providing you with something I think you want to read. I’m a real person with real struggles and real joys. This blog won’t help you if you can’t see how someone else deals with what is a real life, adult issue.
After California, my positive energy and mood went in a downward spiral pretty fast. Many have asked me what happened with the house, especially after the fun we had with the financing.
We had to back out of the offer. We made the decision while we were on vacation, after we realized we would have to make the sellers wait six-plus weeks for us to get everything we needed in order. The truth is, I was sad to have to let it go, but it really did make the most sense for us and for the studio.
But then it came down to the big issue: we have nowhere to live.
There is nothing like being homeless and squatting with a friend within the first six months of marriage. Jay and I looked at all of our options, including moving out of state. Frankly, I tried very hard to be open minded about the idea, but the prospect made me physically ill and every time it got brought up I became anxious and prone to tears.
My family and friends, my career, and my support system is here. I can’t imagine leaving all of that behind, especially while Jay still has Defeater. I can’t tell you how much I admire the many women who are strong enough to start over and do that – there are quite a few who read this blog that have done just that. Deep down, though, I knew it wasn’t for me.
I didn’t want to talk about it. Not with my friends, family, or even with any of you. I barely wanted to talk about it with Jay. I was so excited about that house, having a place to call our own, and to be nearer to one of my best friends, that losing it was incredibly painful. I tried to play that pain down, but it had been killing my insides. It was causing me to be very, very cranky (how my husband deals with me, I will never know. He really is amazing).
Everyone had told us not to get attached, but I couldn’t imagine not getting attached to a place we were going to spend thousands of dollars on and would likely be living in for the next 10 years. I wish I listened.
I’ve been antsy, anxious and desperate to get out of our situation. It’s made me cranky and edgy. For anyone who has had to squat for any period of time, it is difficult not to truly have your own space and to have to live by someone else’s rules.
We’re lucky to be living in a beautiful house with an incredibly generous friend. I don’t want to downplay that at all. If it weren’t for him, we’d still be living in the filth and constraints of our last place, or we’d have nowhere to live at all.
I’m just ready to get out, to be a married couple in our first house. I suppose I am ready to talk now because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We did find a house that we love, that’s perfect for the studio and even has a giant tub and yoga room. It’s the best first house we could ever hope to have, and I am starting to get excited about it.
I’m also trying to be realistic about it. It has been six weeks and the documents we need still have no come through. Thankfully, we have a couple of weeks before we need them. I guess I will feel a lot better and more interested in sharing details once we’ve been able to get financing.
To everyone who has stood by me, talked me through the tough time I was having, and stayed interested in the blog – thank you. It really does mean the world to me.