Sex sells and (unfortunately) I’m buying.
But really, as the song says, I don’t mean this like it sounds.
A couple of months ago, a friend of mine told me that I should just blog about sex. I laughed. We had been talking about her blog, mine and what people look for when they really want to hunker down and connect with a writer.
For me, the conversation brought forth the lessons learned from the top sex bloggers of my generation - Carrie Bradshaw and Lena Chen. OK, so, I may be exaggerating a little when I call them the top sex bloggers, but I think we all learned a lot from these two women.
Honestly, I admired Lena’s bravery and the fact that she wasopen with everyone about her activities in her former blog, Sex and the Ivy. I liked her writing style and the fact that she was Ivy League with an edge. I felt awful for her when people started “slut shaming” her - or trying to. One thing I really respect about her is that she is a strong woman with no apologies for the choices she’s made in her past and for the choices she made when she decided to move forward.
Fictionally, Carrie shared her sex life with all of New York, and later, the world.
When I started My Life as a Band Wife, I made the decision not to write about two particular areas of our marriage.
- I will not write about our arguments or allude to being upset with Jay aggressively or passive-aggressively on any social media platforms.
- I will not write about our sex life.
There are practical reasons for this - my family reads this blog; my little sisters could read this blog; sometimes my bosses read this blog; colleagues read this blog;clientscould read this blog.
The most important reason for this, though, is because these things are private between Jay and me. Being in a relationship and being in a marriage means creating a space where we both feel safe to express ourselves in an honest way. If you have to spend time wondering whether or not something you said or did, that is sointimate, will end up on the Internet, it ruins the authenticity and safety of the interaction - of the relationship.
Over the summer while Jay was in Europe, I was having dinner in Maine with my family, when someone asked how we communicate while he’s gone, asking if we Skype a lot. Before he could stop the words from coming out of his mouth, my uncle asked me if we sext.
I died. It was maybe the funniest, most honest question I have ever been asked by a member of my family about how we deal with tour. Of course, everyone laughed, both out of true humor and mortification.
I mean, it really is an honest question. It’s a question that I was more or less asked on this blog last month.
I realize that this is a major issue for band spouses at home and on the road, and I would be remiss to not touch on it, even just a little.
The reality is that you cannot maintainphysicalintimacy while you’re apart. Or, not in the text book way you’d want. What you really have to think about here is “intimacy:”
This may not be true for every couple, but men and women view sex in a different way. Women, very generally, need to feel emotionally secure with their partner before their willing to have sex, say, after a fight. This is different from men, who see sex as a way to regain that emotional solid ground - again, very generally.
This is different for everyone. Tour creates a really different environment in your relationship, especially in the way you communicate with your partner. It can change how comfortable you feel with taking part in things like, well, phone sex or “sexting.” Frankly, it can be difficult for the touree to get away from the band long enough to even partake in this activity (although I’m sure they will do their damnedest to find a way).
Intimacy and maintaining it on the road is more than sex. It’s maintaining open communication and, in a big way, talking about what you are both comfortable with sharing over the wireless waves before you’re apart. There are a lot of elements to consider. How high is the risk that someone other than your sweetie will see that text or photo you sent? Will your partner have his/her phone password protected?
What are your fears? What are the fears of your partner? Are you able to have a discussion about this, face to face?
Look, I am not an expert. I’m merely a married woman in a weird situation who is trying to do what’s right by herself and by her husband. And I want to help others in my situation.
To that end, the “Ask" (which is now fixed on the navigation) and "fan mail" features have connected me with some really awesome people, who I have been lucky enough to help and even receive support from myself. If you don’t find what you’re looking for here, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
I hope that this has helped.
Just a reminder - I’d love for you to join me on Twitter and subscribe to me on Facebook.