My Life as a Band Wife

bridge9:

Pre-order Defeater’s upcoming LP, Letters Home, and stream a new song, “Bastards”, at B9STORE.COM/DEFEATER right now.

I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve taken a break from blogging. There are several reasons, the biggest of which is that I am looking for a way to expand beyond this particular topic. The funny thing is that the blog has been getting more traction than ever, but I am feel a little bit boxed in.

I’m coming up with some new ideas, so expect to see some changes in the new year.

If you’re new to the blog, welcome! Here are the top 10 viewed posts over last month:

1. Are women with tattoos classless?
2. Guest post on ordering from our vegan Starbucks barista
3. It’s just like liquor stores, mailboxes and pay phones…
4. The Yoko Ono theory
5. Wild Orchid: my honeymoon in Montego Bay, Jamaica
6. Christmas, fingers crossed
7. Pinspiration: Our Wedding
8. I prefer to describe myself as ‘delightfully difficult.’
9. Fleurst-Rate: Letters To You - Barack Obama

10. #BandWifeFail - Who needs to see, anyway?

If you’re interested, you can start from the beginning.

I would love some feedback - what would you like to see more of? Please feel free to leave your ideas in the ask box, or send me a message on Facebook.

Sex sells and (unfortunately) I’m buying.

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This was originally posted on fellow soon-to-be band wife Fleur Terry’s blog, Fleurst-Rate. I know there are many of you in a similar situation. Happy to report that she and her fiance, Caleb Shomo, seem to have worked it out - sending you both positive thoughts!

Dear Barack Obama,

I know that you have far more troubling things in this world to worry about, but I need your thoughts, or help for what is just a simple love story.

Sometimes, in this day and age, you meet someone who is not from the same place as you. One day, you get on a plane, land somewhere foreign and fall in love with the most wonderful human being.

They say the course of true love never runs smoothly, but even they can’t have been talking about immigration laws.

I have been with my fiancé for over a year and a half now, and we have had a few ups and downs, not least from the amount of flying that we have had to do; but also with the problems we have faced when, simply, we just want to live in the same country as each other.

Right at the beginning I believed I could perhaps work in your country, however immigration law states that you must be able to prove that you can do a job that no American can. Well, call me courageous, but I’m pretty certain that an American could do any job they wanted, and so this was not an option for me. I therefore thought that I should go back to University, gain more education to help me while I could not work. ‘There are student visas’ I thought. And after all the filing and the payments and the waiting…after a one minute interview, I was rejected on the grounds that I already have a degree. Perhaps not everyone in America agrees with gaining more education. My father has three degrees.

And, all this while I travelled and lived in America for 90 days at a time, twice, so that we could have an existence together (that wasn’t for just two weeks at a time, with 6 weeks in-between).

In April, my then boyfriend proposed to me and became my fiancé. We are so in love that it seemed like a natural progression. We then discovered that we could also apply for a fiancé visa. If we were engaged I could return to the country and get married to the man I truly love. But 90 days allowance for a fiancé to enter the country for? Is this truly all that is given?

Not only would that mean that we would feel rushed on arrival, it also means that some of the romance has been lost from the wonderful circumstances. The pressures of how quickly we would have to get married or not get married or spend (once again) longer without each other, flying back and forth (once again), so that we can do things on our own time scale.

My question to you, Obama, is not a very large one: Is there truly no way that two people can just co-exist together in your country? Where they can just be together and date for a period without having to get married in an instant. What about us young couples, who know that they want to be together, and get married, and have committed to each other as fiancé/fiancée, but feel like we have very limited options. Is there truly no way that there could be a sponsored visa? A visa that would allow a person (as part of a committed couple) into your country to live and enjoy and just be, right next to the person that they want to the most.
Most love like this is strong enough to stand the time apart. With inventions like Skype and Whatsapp our lives are made easier. But is there a part of you that truly can’t understand that the immigration laws need to change to keep up with the times? Especially in this day and age where we are so free to travel as we please.

I have worked since I was 15 ( even recently for the Government as a civil servant), I have been educated to a Bachelor’s degree level, have other qualifications, have never broken the law and am financially well off enough that I would not burden your country in the slightest.

I merely want to hold hands with the man I love daily, for a bit longer, before we take the next step.

Is this really too much to ask?

Yours,

Fleur Terry 

It has been a rough day for this band wife, and a rougher night for my husband. I had originally planned to give you a Sunday Serving that would be perfect for football season, but I think the ladies in my position would find this more helpful.

This morning I got up early to go to yoga and J told me he cut his eye. On a ceiling fan. Mind you, at this point, I was already near the studio and was driving. He said he couldn’t find the contact and his eye was bleeding.

Little known fact about me: I was always afraid when teachers walked around to pass out papers in high school. Eye things completely freak me out.

Now an eye thing happened to my husband, who is a world away, and there is nothing I can do about it. I quickly got off the phone as my vision started to tunnel, I grew hot and realized I was either going to get sick or pass out. I pulled over and walked in a circle, fittingly, in the parking lot of a medical facility.

I called my yoga therapist and frantically, breathlessly, told her what happened and that I was going to be a little late.

Despite my please, and frankly, demands, J said he was fine and was not going to go to the hospital. When it comes to his health, he is such a typical guy in a lot of ways - it’s fine, it will take care of itself. I am a typical girl - it’s yourfucking eye, youneedto go get it looked at.

It’s hard enough to keep your happy face on when your man is away, but when he’s hurt and you can’t see how bad the damage is or do anything to fix it? It’s terrifying. It leaves you feeling helpless. Especially in the moment.

Now, after a relaxing session with my YT and a few hours removed from the conversation, it occurs to me that if it were really that bad he would have gone or one of his band mates (I would hope) would have made him go.

I still wish he were home so that I could help him, but such is life and all of that. Have you ever had something like this happen? How did you handle the situation?

J left for Australia about a week ago. The two weeks he had been home went by so fast. Between having an injured lower back and his wildly insane work schedule, it felt like I didn’t see him.

We had a really fun time going through all of the t-shirts he had collected over the years and getting rid of the ones that no longer fit him. After running a few errands, he made his way to the studio while I packed his bag.

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On Tuesday, Jay and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. It was well timed, with him coming home from tour the day before. We spent the evening sipping champagne, exchanging gifts, walking the dog, eating at our favorite restaurant and reminiscing over the last year. For those who have read the blog from the start, you know it wasn’t the easiest year. I hope that what you did get from reading My Life as a Band Wife, though, is that when you’re with the person you truly love, the hard times and the distance only make you a stronger team. I couldn’t imagine sharing my life with anyone else.

Here are a few of the photos from our wedding, courtesy of Zac Wolf.

I’m proud of the life that Jay and I have started building together. I’m proud of all of the things we have accomplished individually and the way we support eachother’s dreams and goals. Not everyone has the opportunity to marry the person that is really right for them and I consider myself lucky every single day - even when his time on the road makes time seem slow and unbearable.

This life isn’t for everyone and I’ve watched several relationships grow tense or crumble under this particular brand of pressure. What brought Jay and I together was something unquantifiable, and it is the same thing that keeps us together. For us, marriage wasn’t a fix, a thing to keep us sane through the trials and tribulations of the months apart. It was the promise to one another that we would continue to love and be dedicated, faithful, to one another throughout the rest of our days on this earth. A promise to maintain the loving, respectful relationship we had when we were dating.

It’s the best promise I have ever made, to the best man I have ever met. I wish this kind of love for each and every one of you.

For more photos from our wedding, with little insights from the day, I invite you to check out my board on Pinterest. I also welcome you to follow me on Twitter and subscribe to me on Facebook.

[Apparently, humans are just a bunch of prairie voles| Source]

Think back to a time when you have been separated from your partner, be it a short period of time or an extended one. I know the majority of MLBW readers are in a similar boat, but what about the ones who aren’t?

Well meaning friends, family and colleagues say to us, “Oh, X amount if time isn’t too bad!” With a look of condolence on their sympathetic faces.

Those in the boat really appreciate their efforts. It means a lot that they want to make us feel better, and the time we spend with them helps more than they realize.

Of course, there is a but.

The truth is that sometimes it really does feel that bad. Because it’s the precursor of many years to come. And no matter how many times you do it, it doesn’t get easier. Somehow, it gets harder.

My fellow band “wife,” Megan, wrote about this phenomenon for the blog back in December. You start to get into these routines, doing things by yourself and then there is this disconnect. Even if you text all the time and talk on the phone once a day, there is something lacking. And you can’t quite put your finger on it. It just goes to show that no matter how advanced technology gets, there isn’t a substitute for actually being in the company of the people you love the most.

Of course, there is a scientific reason for it getting harder.

This piece in Scientific American, regardless of the fact that it is three years old and compares human relationships to the relationship between prairie voles, details scientific evidence that “long-term separation from a romantic partner can lead to increased anxiety and depression, as well as such problems as sleep disturbances.”

“Social psychologist Lisa Diamond of the University of Utah observed minor withdrawal-like symptoms, such as irritability and sleep disturbances, along with an increase in cortisol in subjects after they were separated four to seven days. Participants who repor­ted high anxiety about their relation­ships had the biggest spikes in cortisol levels, but even those who reported low levels of stress and anxiety during the separation exhibited some degree of increased cortisol and physical discomfort. These results, like those from Young’s study, indicate a specific link between separation and increased cortisol, implying cortisol-blocking drugs may benefit people struggling to cope with partner separation, too.”

It is believed that the romantic bond evolved from the parent-child bond and could be why we feel romantic attachments so strongly. According to the article, the same neurochemicals—oxy­tocin, vasopressin and dopamine—have been implicated in both relationships, and the be­havioral patterns associated with parental and romantic bond formation and sepa­ration are also similar. Of course Diamond does say that the two relationships are fundamentally different (we would hope so) but it’s the same functional purpose:

“Creating a psycho­logical drive to be near the other person, to want to take care of them, and being resistant to being separated from them.”

So, band wives, rest assured that when in a committed relationship with a man on the road (which, by the way, humans are wired for commitment), it really isn’t that unusual to, well, be taken by the blues.

Just make sure you’re not hitting your lower limit switch and misdirecting your emotions.